Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Guys, this is not working out. We need a new world religion.

In light of current events I have taken it upon myself to investigate all the existing religions, and to my surprise I’ve found that they are… flawed. I’m shocked – SHOCKED - that nobody has done anything about this. Do I have to do everything around here? Anyway, this is my, in no way extensive, but I think you’ll agree, completely adequate analysis of the mess we’ve gotten ourselves into.

First, the various branches of christianity:

Catholicism: These joyless, italian misogynists decide to monopolize the interpretation of ancient jewish gibberish and the word of Jesus, a well-meaning, but, let’s face it, self absorbed, jewish peace activist. They get him wrong, even when he’s very clear, which, most of the time he isn’t. In fact, they usually find a way to twist his words to mean the exact opposite of what he’s saying. You can’t help but wonder – are they doing this on purpose?

Greek and russian orthodoxy: Same as catholicism, only with huge beards and, if possible, weirder outfits. Both originate in poverty-ridden, militaristic countries that barely qualify as european, and have lots and lots of icons. Two entire religions based solely on the overuse of tacky gold paint.

Protestantism: A watered down version of catholicism which allows women to participate in traditionally male stupidity.

Monophysitic christianity: These guys don’t have nearly enough physits if you ask me.

The epicenter of this whole tsunami of idiocy is, off course, the Middle East, a region that is also responsible for bringing us the two following brainwaves:

Judaism: The original, undiluted, ancient jewish gibberish. These inbreeds for some reason don’t like bacon, and they don’t care who knows it. In many ways they have succeeded where others failed: Firstly, they have managed to merge race and ideology completely. Secondly, they have founded a military dictatorship where they are free to fence in, suppress and brutalize the minority of their choosing. But off course you shouldn’t confuse the jewish faith with the zionist state. Many jews live outside New York.

Islam: Trust the arabs to come up with something even more ridiculous. This guy decides to pinch a few ideas from the jews and the christians, combine them to make his own religion, and then make up some hair-brain story about how he got it all from an angel. So far – fine. But then the genius goes and steals the wrong ideas. You could have had a bunch of pacifists with weird haircuts, but what do you get? Misogynists who don’t eat bacon, all over the third world.

Not all religions originate in the Middle East, however. Some are from beautiful, not-at-all-crazy India:

Hinduism: Sacred cows. Next!

Buddhism: There are those who claim that buddhism is more of a philosophy than a religion. Those people should consider this: Philosophy is about the search for truth through the exchange of ideas. Buddhism is about figuring out a way to avoid being reborn as a hamster through sitting completely still for a really long time and not talking to anybody.

Then we have the religions that claim not to be religions. Clever. As far as I can gather, these are basically your typical western attempts at intellectual superiority, imported into the realm of religion:

Atheism: These guys have it all figured out: There is no God. We can’t prove it, but we’re pretty sure. That’s all we have right now. Thank you.

Agnosticism: Ooh, look at me with my big brain, I’ve found a way to avoid a central, philosophical issue! Basically atheists who don’t have the guts to come out and say it.

Off course, there are other religions besides these. They include shintoism, taoism, shamanism and scientology. I have analyzed them all in depth, and I’ll give you a brief summary of my findings. Here it comes: They’re all crap.

So, like I said, we need a new world religion. More on this later. Ideas welcome.

By the way, I’m writing this with my… Never mind.